I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
