just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize