Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
