I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
