You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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