i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
