dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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