the condom got lost in my hair
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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