I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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