Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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