Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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