she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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