I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
pray to the hookup gods
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
