Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
