I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Michael Bay diarrhea
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
