New low: just hacked my moms facebook
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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