I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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