that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
