It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
