you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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