dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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