perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
