I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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