I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
