dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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