"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
