If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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