Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
