I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize