So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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