I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
