I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
