Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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