I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
