Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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