look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
