whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize