I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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