I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
this will be a night to untag.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
