Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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