I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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