I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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