can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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