the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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