Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
the day after is always just damage control
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
