youre lurking in front of me
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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