Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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