Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
