Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize