11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
