Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
