This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Let's paint friendship bongs
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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