I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
This baby is an asshole
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
