so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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