im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
