one word: firstdatebathroomanal
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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