I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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