is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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