I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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