that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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