I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize