I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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