someone threw a dead crab at me
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
