I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
